Vegetarians

THERE ARE 6 TYPES OF VEGETARIANS IN INDIA:

(1) PURE VEGETARIAN

(2) ANDA KHA LETA HAI

(3) OMELETTE NAHI KHATHA LEKIN ANDEY KA CAKE HOGA TO KHA LETA HAI

(4) SIRF GRAVY KHA LETA HAI, PIECE NAHI KHATHA

(5) GHAR KE BAHAR KHA LETA LEKIN GHAR ME ALLOWED NAHI HAI.......and finally

(6) PEG MARTA HOON TO KHA LETA HU NAHI TO NAHI KHATA!!

British Humor

A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things. You live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window...!!

Biggest lies....

Biggest lies ever told in india..

😜Work hard and make sure you get a high score in class X. Your entire life and career depends on it.

😜Just work for 2 years in XI and XII. If you get in a good medical college/IITs/NITs/Law schools/DU etc., your life is set.

😜Start preparing for your PG/MBA/USMLE/UPSC/GRE/GMAT/GATE etc. otherwise your friend will get the job and you'll be left behind in the race. Once you're settled, you can enjoy as much as you want.

😜You're settled now and the only logical step is to get married. If you don't get married before 30, you'll be considered 'old' and your marriage prospects will diminish. You can enjoy later.

😜Since now you have kids, you need to earn more and work extra to secure their future. Once their future is secured, Your entire life is left for you to pursue your passions.

😜Now your kid is in class X and you start with the lies, all over again, thus completing the circle of life.

Topper friends

Arkya Chatterjee fom Kolkata topped HSC by scoring 99.75%.(499 out of 500)
These are the comments he got for the page that published it on facebook..
Don't blame me if you die laughing. Welcome to internet.

1. Don't publish this fact in newspaper. We have parents to answer

2. Itna to mere phone ka battery bhi charge nahi hota...

3. Ye ladka kalpanic hai iska vastav se koi sambandh nhi hai

4. Badhai ho....par aaj 8 saal ho gaye mere XII k results ko, aaj fir daant padi.

5. apsara pencil se likha hota to 0.25% bhi mil jate.........extra marks for good hand writing

6. Tu roadie nahi banega..U dont give ur 100% - Raghu

6. Mere purre graduation k 3 saal ka total bhi itna nai jitna tu ek exam mein laya hai kaminey..

7. Not a big deal...His tutor is Rajnikant

8. Congrats dude, you are the reason my parents have so many expectations.

9. Itna toh dettol, kitanu nai maarta...

10. See Arkya, i dnt knw wat tough times u wuld hav gone thru.. lekin beta is tarah se padhaai pe gussa nahi nikalte..!!

11. Main toh agar apna paper khud check karta toh bhi itna marks nahi la paata"

12) Itne marks me to Garib ke 3-3 bache pass ho jate hain

Senior Citizens special...

This is a senior citizen special . . .


An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect...... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again..'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

--------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

--------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

--------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

----------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

--------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

----------

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

----------

The Best of George Carlin Quotes

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity, a few statements to ponder by a very clever comedian with a knack for the spoken (and written) word. He had a career that spanned over 30 years of making people howl with laughter, and is known by many as the grandfather of stand up comedy. He was also voted the best comedian in history by fellow comedians.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Position of Whiskey - Winston Churchill

Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky. Here's how he answered:

"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children;
if you mean that evil drink that topples men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre of my being."

"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes;
if you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow;
if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation... then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it..!!!"

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle.!!!"

Paraprosdokians

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

जिदंगी मे .......

1. जिदंगी मे कभी भी किसी को
      बेकार मत समझना क्योक़ि
        बंद पडी घडी भी दिन में
          दो बार सही समय बताती है

2. किसी की बुराई तलाश करने
      वाले इंसान की मिसाल उस
       मक्खी की तरह है जो सारे
         खूबसूरत जिस्म को छोडकर
           केवल जख्म पर ही बैठती है

3. टूट जाता है गरीबी मे
      वो रिश्ता जो खास होता है
        हजारो यार बनते है
          जब पैसा पास होता है

4. मुस्करा कर देखो तो
      सारा जहाॅ रंगीन है
        वर्ना भीगी पलको
          से तो आईना भी
             धुधंला नजर आता है

5..जल्द मिलने वाली चीजे
      ज्यादा दिन तक नही चलती
        और जो चीजे ज्यादा
           दिन तक चलती है
             वो जल्दी नही मिलती

6. बुरे दिनो का एक
      अच्छा फायदा
         अच्छे-अच्छे दोस्त
            परखे जाते है

7. बीमारी खरगोश की तरह
      आती है और कछुए की तरह
        जाती है
          जबकि पैसा कछुए की तरह
             आता है और.खरगोश की
                तरह जाता है

8. छोटी छोटी बातो मे
      आनंद खोजना चाहिए
        क्योकि बङी बङी तो
          जीवन मे कुछ ही होती है

9. ईश्वर से कुछ मांगने पर
      न मिले तो उससे नाराज
        ना होना क्योकि ईश्वर
           वह नही देता जो आपको
             अच्छा लगता है बल्कि
                वह देता है जो आपके लिए
                    अच्छा होता है

10. लगातार हो रही
        असफलताओ से निराश
           नही होना चाहिए क्योक़ि
              कभी-कभी गुच्छे की आखिरी
                  चाबी भी ताला खोल देती है

11. ये सोच है हम इसांनो की
        कि एक अकेला
          क्या कर सकता है
             पर देख जरा उस सूरज को
                वो अकेला ही तो चमकता है

12. रिश्ते चाहे कितने ही बुरे हो
        उन्हे तोङना मत क्योकि
          पानी चाहे कितना भी गंदा हो
             अगर प्यास नही बुझा सकता
                 वो आग तो बुझा सकता है

13. अब वफा की उम्मीद भी
         किस से करे भला
            मिटटी के बने लोग
               कागजो मे बिक जाते है

14. इंसान की तरह बोलना
         न आये तो जानवर की तरह
             मौन रहना अच्छा है

15. जब हम बोलना
         नही जानते थे तो
           हमारे बोले बिना'माँ'
             हमारी बातो को समझ जाती थी
                 और आज हम हर बात पर
                     कहते है छोङो भी 'माँ'
                         आप नही समझोगी

16. शुक्र गुजार हूँ
        उन तमाम लोगो का
           जिन्होने बुरे वक्त मे
              मेरा साथ छोङ दिया
                 क्योकि उन्हे भरोसा था
                    कि मै मुसीबतो से
                       अकेले ही निपट सकता हूँ

17. शर्म की अमीरी से
         इज्जत की गरीबी अच्छी है

18. जिदंगी मे उतार चङाव
         का आना बहुत जरुरी है
            क्योकि ECG मे सीधी लाईन
                का मतलब मौत ही होता है

19. रिश्ते आजकल रोटी
         की तरह हो गए है
            जरा सी आंच तेज क्या हुई
               जल भुनकर खाक हो जाते

20. जिदंगी मे अच्छे लोगो की
        तलाश मत करो
          खुद अच्छे बन जाओ
            आपसे मिलकर शायद
               किसी की तालाश पूरी हो

---

" इंसान " बुरा तब बनता है
        जब वो " खुद " को,
              " दूसरों " से ज्यादा अच्छा
                        समझने लगता है !

खुश रहा करो क्योकि
     परेशान होने से कल की मुश्किल
           दूर नहीं होती बल्कि आज का
                सुकून भी चला जाता है !!

लोग अक्सर कहते है,
     जिंदा रहे तो फिर मिलेंगे !
           मगर एक सच्चे दोस्त ने,
                  क्या खूब कहा है कि
                         मिलते रहोगे तो...
                               जिंदा रहेंगे..... !!

Jokes Collection - 1

Wife to hubby: Darling in pictures of Shiva-Parvati, Shiva has a Trishool.
In pictures of Vishnu-Lakshmi, Vishnu has Chakra in hand and pictures of Rama-Sita, Rama has bow in hand. But in case of Krishna-Radha, he has flute in hand. Why is this?

Hubby: You see dear the three God's whom you mentioned first are with the wives. That is why they have weapons. Krishna is with his girlfriend. Hence no weapons required. This shows when it comes to dealing with wives, even Gods need protection.😁😂😜

---

Doctor to female patient: U r looking so weak & exhausted... R u taking 3 meals a day as I had advised u ?

Female patient : " ohhh no !!!! Where is Your compounder who typed 3 Males a day..!!!

---

Wife : Shall I prepare Sambar or Rasam today.
Husband : First make it, we will name it later.

---

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:

Dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

---

A married man's prayer;

Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......

---

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"

---

Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..

Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

---

Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home too, But Goddess Durga sits on the lion there !

---

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

Was the necklace FAKE?

Nooooo! That was the deal :)

---

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.


Best Slogan on a
MAN's T-Shirt :  "Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"

---

A conversation between a husband and wife when their son stood first in the class test.
Husband : "He has got my brains."
Wife : "Must be true.Mine is still with me."

---

Biggest ironies of India

1) We'd rather spend more on daughters wedding than on her education.

2) We live in a country where seeing a policeman makes us nervous rather than feeling safe

3) In IAS exam, a person writes a brilliant 1500 words essay about how Dowry is a social evil. Impresses everyone and cracks the exam.
One year later same person demands a dowry of 1 crore, because he is an IAS officer.

4) Indians are very shy and still are 121 Crore in population.

5) Indians are obsessed with screen guards on their smartphones even though most come with scratch proof Gorilla Glass but never bother wearing a helmet while riding their bikes.

6) Reserved people get more benefit than deserved people...!

7) The worst movies earn the most

8) A porn-star is accepted in society as a celebrity, but a rape victim is not even accepted as a normal human being.

9) Politicians Divide us, Terrorists Unite us

10) Everyone is in a hurry, but no one reaches on time

11) Priyanka Chopra earned more money playing Mary Kom, than Mary Kom earned in her entire career.

12) Most people who fight over Gita and Quran, have probably never read any of them

13)The shoes we wear are sold in air Conditioned showrooms, the vegetables we eat are sold on the footpath..

Think !!!!

A little Trivia

A little trivia to make you seem smart !   

Glass  takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times.    

Gold  is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.    

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.    

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.     

Zero  is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.    

Kits  were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.    

The song, Auld Lang Syne ,  is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every    

English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.     

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.     

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.     

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.     

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.     

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.    

Airports at higher altitudes-require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.    

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.   

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.   

In ancient Greece tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.     

Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.      

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.     

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.    

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.     

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.     

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in   

armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.     

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.   

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.   

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.    

Strawberries  are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.    

Avocados  have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.    

The moon-moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.    

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.   

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.    

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.    

Soldiers  do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.    

Everything  weighs one percent less at the equator.    

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.      

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements. 

As kids see it . . .

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.  She was stark naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
 
3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.  During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.  She's hitting the bottle.'
 
4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.  The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
 
5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.  Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'  'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.  'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.  Is that right?'  'Yes, that's right,' I told her.  'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
 
6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.  'It sure is,' I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
 
7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.  When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'  'And why not, darling?' 
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.  The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.  'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.  'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible.  He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.  'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.  'What have you got there, dear?'  With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear."

Did You Know These Everyday Things Had Names?

Glabella - The space between your eyebrows is called a glabella.

Petrichor - The way it smells after the rain is called petrichor.

Aglet - The plastic or metallic coating at the end of your shoelaces is called an aglet.

Barm - The foam on beer is called a barm.

Wamble - The rumbling of stomach is actually called a wamble.

Vagitus - The cry of a new born baby is called a vagitus.

Tines - The prongs on a fork are called tines.

Phosphenes - The sheen or light that you see when you close your eyes and press your hands on them are called phosphenes.

Box Tent - The tiny plastic table placed in the middle of a pizza box is called a box tent.

Overmorrow - The day after tomorrow is called overmorrow.

Minimus - Your tiny toe or finger is called minimus.

Agraffe - The wired cage that holds the cork in a bottle of champagne is called an agraffe.

Vocables - The 'na na na' and 'la la la', which don't really have any meaning in the lyrics of any song, are called vocables.

Interrobang - When you combine an exclamation mark with a question mark (like this ?!), it is referred to as an interrobang.

Columella Nasi - The space between your nostrils is called columella nasi.

Armscye - The armhole in clothes, where the sleeves are sewn, is called armscye.

Dysania - The condition of finding it difficult to get out of the bed in the morning is called dysania.

Griffonage - Unreadable hand-writing is called griffonage (Are you reading this dear doctors?)

Tittle - The dot over an “i” or a “j” is called tittle.

Crapulence - That utterly sick feeling you get after eating or drinking too much is called crapulence.

Brannock Device - The metallic device used to measure your feeet at th

Your Pun...ishment

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

4. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

5. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

6. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass”.

7. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

10. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

11. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

12. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be In Seine .

13. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

14. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootcanal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

15. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did...

Quite Punny . . . . .

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to
conduct itself.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period.  It marks the end
of his sentence.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in
higher powers.

It's raining cats and dogs.  Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?  Nothing - but it let out
a little whine.

If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed ...??

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't
stand behind.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the
point?

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my
kleptomania.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.  A
brother is frying chips.  "Are you the friar?", he asks.  "No. I'm the
chip monk", he replies.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.  The doctor says
I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was
a-salted.